So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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