I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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