who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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