We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Randomize
