just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
