remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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