dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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