who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
