Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
