i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
