I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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