I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm sobbing to NWA
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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