i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
