I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
