I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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