I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
