That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
