I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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