I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize