Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
We named our party play list daddy issues
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
