I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
