i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
