He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize