the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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