I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
