my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
