Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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