So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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