There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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