totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
