The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
