I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
