He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
