It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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