Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
