There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize