gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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