Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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