im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize