According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
