Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Sober January is a disaster.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
