Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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