I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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