Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Randomize
