I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
