i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
