uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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