I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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