so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
