The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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