It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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