you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
