she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
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