dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
