DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
