omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
