It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
