I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize