My sheets look like a crime scene.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
