my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize